Plush carpeting. Thickly padded pews.
An invitation to comfort is awaiting you!
You will be personally ushered to your seat,
where our air-conditioning will make your stay complete.
You'll do nothing at all but be treated like royalty.
We'll do all the work for you, you see!
We'll share all the teaching and revelation.
We'll choose the songs you'll sing in adoration.
We'll lead you in every moment of the service.
All you have to sacrafice is in your wallet or purse.
And boy oh boy can we entertain your kids!
Our children's program is not to be missed -
with Disney movies and sugary snacks,
your kids will want to keep coming back!
Once in awhile we'll throw a scripture in
just to remind them it's a church they're visitin'.
We have picnics and programs to keep you occupied.
With everything looking and sounding so good,
you're guaranteed to be satisfied!
And our doctrines? Why they're the best!
Our teachings are better than all the rest!
(Everything our Pastor teaches is straight from God's lips)
Really, our denomination is the most blessed.
Go anywhere else and you're getting second best.
So come on in and set yourself down -
isn't all this why Christ wore his thorny crown?
Isn't this what Jesus died for?
So you can relax, take your ease and keep getting more?
Wasn't Christ hurt so you could be pampered?
Jesus suffered so you don't have to!
And money is God's way of rewarding you!
But don't let money become an idol or a curse,
instead let us take control of your purse.
If you're not careful, money can become your god.
Only by giving it to us can you be free of it's rod.
By giving it to us, you're giving it to God, you see!
So give and then give some more so he will be pleased!

Somewhere, someone, show some lucidity.
And cut through this mess, all this spiritual BS.
May God's people soon confess -
We've had it all wrong, all backwards these many years.
We should be doers of the Word, serving widows and drying orphan's tears.
We should be going into all the world and preaching the gospel ourselves.
And showing signs and wonders and delivering many souls from Hell.
We're not meant to just sit on our asses.
We're meant to go out and reach the masses.
Lord help us to quit this web of deciet we're in.
We confess at once - it's all a deplorable sin!
Shake us oh God, wake us before it's too late
and all we'll find at the wedding feast is an empty plate.
Let us stop serving ourselves only,
pretending all the while we are Holy,
when all we are is phony.
Let us stop inviting people to our "church",
making them think they must attent to belong to you,
where they'll sit for the rest of their days,
chained to some rotting perch, excuse me, some call them "pews"
(because they stink so bad).
Ever learning but never arriving at the truth.
We're not even to tell them some day they'll go to heaven
but rather demonstrate that Heaven's come to them!
Jesus said the kingdom of heaven is at hand,
not waiting for them when they die some day and leave this land.
So let's strive, each day to die, to all that pretends to be of God.
That we may truly become, the ones who wear the ephod.
The ones who have "Holy" written on their foreheads.
The ones who have spiritually risen from the dead.
The ones who obey all that Jesus said.....