I took up an acorn

 to more closely inspect 

 How marvelous are Your 

 ways Lord -  oh how perfect!

 They are so far beyond me,

 without a doubt  -

 Your ways are past finding out!

The perfection,  the symmetry, 

 the beauty I see

 in the grass and the leaves,

 in the sunlight and the trees,

 all are perfect in every way, 

 thus my soul rejoices to say  -

 How Great You Are!

 Perfect in the beauty of holiness!

 How desirous am I

  To be eternally enriched and blessed

 with the joy of being able to gaze

  upon You, upon Your face,

  Oh Ancient of Days!

On Ministry

 

One of the greatest dangers of ministry is ministry itself, because if we're not careful,  we can end up making the ministry into a mask that we then hide behind  - avoiding The Lord's presence  while publicly proclaiming Him to be our Lord. 

The more successful our ministry becomes,  the more danger we are in. We have the anointing (though this too can be faked), we have the testimonies:  God is obviously using us, and so, we appear outwardly as if all is well between us and God, yet, it may not be true. It becomes much harder to crucify our flesh when our flesh is exalted above our brethren's. We may drift further and further  from our Father, we may stop seeking His Face, we may stop pressing into Him each day, oir passion for His presence waning  - yet all the while maintaining a "successful ministry" - an outward show that's nothing like our inward reality.  We become desperate to impress people with our gift  - usually our speaking skill and our stage presence. We need to impress with our wisdom and insights, our understanding of God's Word. We end up seeking the company of people each Sunday, not God. We want the people to believe all is well   - for we are their spiritual advisor, their superior  if you will. We come to enjoy,  even crave their affection and approval.  Their praise can become the worst thing that can happen to us  - not Satan's attacks. Genuine encouragement builds us up but flattery will destroy us. "Psstor Appreciation Day", with people fawning all over us, lavishing praise upon us, affirming their loyalty to us  - can destroy our good standing with God, for we start to believe  we are "special", seperate from the congregation,  somehow better, instead of unworthy servants, doing as we're told. We stop giving all glory and praise to God and we start accepting some of it for ourselves.  We begin to believe we deserve it. We start referring to ministry as "our ministry"or "my ministry" - We even name "our ministry" after ourselves   - thereby exalting our own names.

The point is  - in ministry,  the more God uses us, The more humble we should become.  We minister for Him, for His glory  - not our own. Men (flesh) love to be exalted and praised by other men. Just check out the endless awards ceremonies each year. The temptation to become lifted up in pride in our hearts, is ever present with us, and must be avoided at all costs. If we are ministering without seeking His prese3daily, if ministering to Him is not our first priority  - it can all become a show, a false religious ritual, void of God's presence.  It may look and sound wonderful,  and oh so spiritual,  to soulish, carnal saints, but it's completely lacking  God's presence and approval.  Anyone spiritual,  i.e. born of and walking in the Spirit,  led by Him,  will see right through it. These types of Christians  - carnal, soulish,  are a dime a dozen. There are denominations full of them. All pastors want to know when they meet each other is "how many attend your church"? As if numbers are an indication that God's with them, approving their ministry.  My God! Nothing could be further from the truth.  Large numbers may indicate God's blessings upon their efforts to serve Him but more often than not it's Satan who is sending people to a pastor and church in droves because they are serving him, not God.

Luke 16:15  - "You are they which justify yourselves before men; but God knows your hearts: for that which is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the sight of God".

 May the angels of Your glory

 guide me far from the darkness within -

May the angels tell the story 

of how you delivered me from my sin.

Yes may they be witnesses of

the glory of Your lasting love.

Oh my Lord may they witness too

the story of my love for you!

May Your light pierce the deepest darkness 

in the heart of my depravity 

I ask You, once again Lord,

to break all my chains and rescue me.

My heart is so weak

still Your face I seek

I'm learning to pray, Lord,

the prayer of the meek.

I can't seem to

oh Lord, obey You.

These words of mine are just empty words on a page

till I learn to obey...

Lord I need You

to make me new

Renew a right spirit within me!

As the day dawns, as the light shines,

on this new morn so bright and so clear  -

grip my heart, Lord, 

fill my mind with what can only come when You're near......

On Happiness Part 2

 

I'm not seeking after nor spending my time or energy seeking happiness for myself   - I no longer wish to focus any aspect of my life on myself.  I seek for my wife, my children,  my neighbor but not for me.

I may take joy in a spectacular sunset or a wildflower I've stumbled across in a hidden valley or the sunlight dappled water water of a mountain lake  - yet, all those things are God made, God designed and are therefore infused with His presence,  His essence.  They bear His fragrance.  His fingerprints are all around us, if we could but see them! He is perfect in all His ways and perfection is so exhilarating after being surrounded by the flawed works of men. I no longer desire what is man-made  - born of man (well, I do like this pen and notebook) but, can't you sense, all that is of man is temporal,  it will not last, it's all fading away, even as I write this! One day, these pages, these words of mine, will shrivel and fade  - and only what came from Him will last. I desire to be made in His likeness: may I desire what He desires,  pursue what He pursues, live as He lives and die as He died  - on behalf of others.

I'm not happy and I'm ok. I've made peace with my soul. The Bible is full of melancholy,  you know. The Books of Ecclesiastes and Lamentations.  Rachel weeping over her children. Sitting by the rivers of Babylon and weeping.  But we have this promise from The Lord   - "They that sow in tears shall reap in joy". They that are sorrowful for the sin in this life shall rejoice in the next  - for it shall be a sinless existence,  where no one treats another with anything but pure, genuine love.

Jesus was a man of sorrows,  well acquainted with grief. The Scriptures tell us to "mourn with those who mourn". Sorrow is an integral part of our lives, as Christians.  We weep while the world rejoices so that we may one day rejoice while the world weeps.

Take heart beloved Bride, loved by My Father  - your mourning SHALL turn into dancing, your weeping will endure for the night, while spiritual darkness  covers the earth  - but joy will come whenever the light of the Son dawns in a human heart. As My light dawns fully in your heart, your sorrows will not even be remembered when you behold Me in the fulness of My glory. You will forget your pain as a mother forgets the pain of child birth for the joy of bringing a man into the world. As You enter fully into Me, the pain of this present life will fade away and every tear will be wiped from your eye: I myself will do this and I will preserve them as a memorial to the life you chose as you chose to pursue Me  - not happiness   - in this way, I will redeem all your suffering, My son, my beloved, Chris, who you know to be a man after My own heart. 

Rejoice for you have a new name and a new life to come  - remember,  the former things are passing away, behold, I make all things new.

On Happiness

 

Some things I've come to realize.  I am not a happy person. In the past, i haven't been happy with the people I've worked with. I'm not happy with the world i live in. Most of all  - I'm not happy with myself.  I fail on so many levels.  levels. Personal,  professional, spiritual.  My life seems to be, overall,  a failure. And when I'm not happy,  I spend much of my time seeking happiness.  I read books. I used to watch movies. I used to watch tv. I listened to music. Why? Because they make me happy because they take my mind off myself and the fact I'm not happy.  They distract me from the truth. If my own life isn t satisfying to me  - I'll turn to other's lives for satisfaction, even if they're fictional.  

But now, I've made peace with the fact that I'm not a happy person.  I've come to the conclusion that the pursuit of happiness is a lie  - a dead end, a false foundation on which I've attempted to build my life. A pursuit that's prevented me from pursuing what I should.  My life  - my very existence, should not be focused on it. I don't believe Jesus came in the flesh to make me happy.  I don't think he came to make me satisfied and content living in the flesh. In fact, i believe the opposite   - he came to give me a Divine Discontentment  with the fallen flesh  - with all things carnal and fleshly  - yet also give me a Divine contentment and peace in my spirit, with all things spiritual,  while living in the flesh.  Let's face it  - Jesus was a man of sorrows. Jesus wept  - often i suspect. I don't believe i will ever truly be happy this side of Heaven, and i wish to no longer focus my life or my heart on pursuing personal happiness.  

I do want to make God happy. I would like to bring happiness to my wife, my children and others but I no longer desire it for myself.  

Now Joy is a different story. I don't pursue joy, it pursues me. It grabs a hold  of me and hugs me tight. It finds me in the deepest trenches of my heart, where my greatest sorrows lie buried, next to my worse regrets. It comes to my grave side, where my soul lies buried and it takes me by the heart and lifts me out of my grave and it fills me up to overflowing  because joy is based on what Jesus did  - not what I've done. It's based on what he is doing in my life, not what I'm doing (or not doing). It's a fruit of His Spirit   - growing daily in me  - filling the dark places with His gentle morning light. Joy originates outside of me  - it's source is my God  - so it can't be taken from me by man or what man does or doesn't do to me. It can't be moved or diminished by emotions. In my deepest sorrow I can still know joy. Joy in the world to come. Joy in the salvation of my soul, joy in the peace that comes from the righteousness of Christ abiding in me. I can tasre joy even as happiness eludes me, as well it should! I don't deserve happiness for I've willfully,  consciously, sinned far too often. I just don't deserve personal happiness and I'm ok without it. It doesn't interest me anymore.  I'm fine with whatever life He chooses for me, from this day forth. A life of less. A life of sacrifice.  A life where I pursue no wealth for myself  but for my brethren is fine with me. I'm now only truly happy when God is pleased with me and He let's me know it.  I want to store up treasure in Heaven,  where moth or rust do not corrupt.

Part two in four days.

 The sun speaks to me at each new dawn

 of the glorious victory my Jesus has won  -

For as the sun rises and darkness flees away;

As the night ceases with the dawning of a new day,

so does the darkness in my soul's blackest part

flee from the light of my Daystar

as He rises in my heart  -

This I recall to mind,

therefore I have hope.

With these precious words of Thine

I can survive and I can cope  -

It's because of Your mercies 

that I am not consumed....

Your compassions never fail,

may each day be pleasing to You,

they are new every morning. 

Your faithfulness,  as the sun, is great...

Oh Lord with each day's dawning 

may I look upon Your face,

For You Lord are my portion 

saith my soul to myself  -

As You cleanse me daily

of the darkness within

may my soul also tell  -

"All is well"

 Many have spoken many words to Me

  but have done it out of vanity.

It isn't the amount of words that please,

 rather it's the words born in the furnace of adversity.

I cam see through 

 the veil you've placed on your heart.

I can see what comes from

 the place you haven't surrendered 

and no matter how much you say,

I can see when you're a pretender.

Oh child  - let down your guard.

My child  - give Me your beart!

I'll be gentle and tender with your inmost parts

but child I can do nothing with you

till you come to Me in sincerity and truth.

I know the love you've known 

has often failed you so.

Oh child,  they were not of Me,

Your wounds have made Me weep.

I've cried for you.

I've wept many tears.

Your pain has led us to this moment, 

right now, right here.

I've opened My heart to you

won't you do the same for Me? 

There is nothing I won't do

to embrace you for eternity. 

Remember this  -

      one who is beautiful in My eyes  -

A broken and a contrite heart

     I will never despise...

 Your mercies

   are mine to receive 

 every morning 

   I wake up and breathe

For daily

  You turn Your thoughts

toward me

And daily 

I am one You seek

therefore I

give my thanks to Thee

 every morning I awake

    and I breathe 

and I

turn my thoughts toward You

for daily my love for You

like the morning dew

is renewed....

Early I will seek You, Lord,

that early I may find You.....

For when Your face is the first thing I see each dawn  -

I'll have the strength and purpose with which I'll carry on.....

I'm better than I was

 but not where I want to be.

I'll never be fully satisfied 

 while I'm in this fleshly body.

Probably. 

but I do have a dream

 though it's impossible it seems  -

I want to be so much like Jesus 

 you can't tell if it's Him or if it's me

....but I'm running out of years

I'm trying to be sincere  -

I need to surrender all my heart

not just part

and not put on an act with a few tears