I had trouble sleeping last night. My soul was wrestling with itself. After I drifted off, finally, I had an epiphany. I was born again. I woke up to the winter's first snow fall - so beautiful. It reminds me that "though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow, though they are red like crimson, they shall become as wool".
And I started thinking, as I saw the snow-laden bushes, I was marveling at the God granted beauty of it all and I remembered that Jesus ...said we must hate this life and I thought "but I love it". Then these words came to me -

"This life so full of death (and)
This death so full of life"
We must hate our life apart from Him, full of sin. We must hate living without Him, without His lordship and love. We must love the death He granted us on the Cross. Most of us think He gave us life on the Cross but He really gave us death - death to life apart from Him. We must love this death to our fleshly desire to live without Him - to live by our own rules, our own wisdom, to rule ourselves, without Him. Amen.
Then, as I continued to walk to class at the University I work at, I saw a girl enter an elevator - she had on a white (like wool) jacket with large letters on the back that said "PLEASE SAY NO - YOU CAN DO IT". This, again, was a sign, was God speaking to me, encouraging me, setting me free. From this day I say no to sin, to lust of the eyes and flesh, and especially to pride - of life, pride in this life which hates God and all He is. I say yes to a humble heart, that begs God for mercy, every one of my remaining days on earth....