I alternate between loving myself and hating myself. Someday's I'm quite happy with who I am. Others, I can't stand myself. I despise the man of sin and love the man of God. I wish I could be the best person I can be, every moment of every day but I fail far too often. I find myself relating to Paul more and more these days. I find myself understanding his discourse in Romans 7 - "For what I would, that do I not, but what I hate, that do I", "For to will is present with me". I want to do whats right, I desire to be a good and faithful son for my Holy Father "but how to perform that which is good I find not, for the good that I would do I do not but the evil which I would not, that I do".
Can anyone else relate to this? This life long struggle is one that I hate - I know that if I "walk not after the flesh but after the Spirit" I can crucify "the wretched man that I am" but the doing of it can be so difficult, yet these days I find the Spirit humbly holding my hand, seeking my company, willing to slow down and wait for me and lifting me when I fall - I'm actually losing sight of who I was - who I was is no longer important to me. "Chris Tripp" is somebody I used to know, now I call myself "that disciple who Jesus loves" - this is who I am, and who I wish to be known as from now on. In all seriousness, my old man is not important anymore, my old identity is dead. I am dead to who I was, I mean, I'd rather just be known as someone Jesus loves here on earth and truth be told, I'd love to be known in Heaven as someone who loves Jesus. I'd like a few angels hanging out in heaven to point to me and say "that's the disciple who loves Jesus". Selah.