On Happiness

 

Some things I've come to realize.  I am not a happy person. In the past, i haven't been happy with the people I've worked with. I'm not happy with the world i live in. Most of all  - I'm not happy with myself.  I fail on so many levels.  levels. Personal,  professional, spiritual.  My life seems to be, overall,  a failure. And when I'm not happy,  I spend much of my time seeking happiness.  I read books. I used to watch movies. I used to watch tv. I listened to music. Why? Because they make me happy because they take my mind off myself and the fact I'm not happy.  They distract me from the truth. If my own life isn t satisfying to me  - I'll turn to other's lives for satisfaction, even if they're fictional.  

But now, I've made peace with the fact that I'm not a happy person.  I've come to the conclusion that the pursuit of happiness is a lie  - a dead end, a false foundation on which I've attempted to build my life. A pursuit that's prevented me from pursuing what I should.  My life  - my very existence, should not be focused on it. I don't believe Jesus came in the flesh to make me happy.  I don't think he came to make me satisfied and content living in the flesh. In fact, i believe the opposite   - he came to give me a Divine Discontentment  with the fallen flesh  - with all things carnal and fleshly  - yet also give me a Divine contentment and peace in my spirit, with all things spiritual,  while living in the flesh.  Let's face it  - Jesus was a man of sorrows. Jesus wept  - often i suspect. I don't believe i will ever truly be happy this side of Heaven, and i wish to no longer focus my life or my heart on pursuing personal happiness.  

I do want to make God happy. I would like to bring happiness to my wife, my children and others but I no longer desire it for myself.  

Now Joy is a different story. I don't pursue joy, it pursues me. It grabs a hold  of me and hugs me tight. It finds me in the deepest trenches of my heart, where my greatest sorrows lie buried, next to my worse regrets. It comes to my grave side, where my soul lies buried and it takes me by the heart and lifts me out of my grave and it fills me up to overflowing  because joy is based on what Jesus did  - not what I've done. It's based on what he is doing in my life, not what I'm doing (or not doing). It's a fruit of His Spirit   - growing daily in me  - filling the dark places with His gentle morning light. Joy originates outside of me  - it's source is my God  - so it can't be taken from me by man or what man does or doesn't do to me. It can't be moved or diminished by emotions. In my deepest sorrow I can still know joy. Joy in the world to come. Joy in the salvation of my soul, joy in the peace that comes from the righteousness of Christ abiding in me. I can tasre joy even as happiness eludes me, as well it should! I don't deserve happiness for I've willfully,  consciously, sinned far too often. I just don't deserve personal happiness and I'm ok without it. It doesn't interest me anymore.  I'm fine with whatever life He chooses for me, from this day forth. A life of less. A life of sacrifice.  A life where I pursue no wealth for myself  but for my brethren is fine with me. I'm now only truly happy when God is pleased with me and He let's me know it.  I want to store up treasure in Heaven,  where moth or rust do not corrupt.

Part two in four days.